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| so... I stubled across this song in my iTunes. Then I rocked out to it.
We sat upon your bed,
You said the things you said
And I could not believe that you seem so naive
We exchanged our poetry,
You seem to think a lot like me
I'll guess I'll just assume that we could talk about most anything
Then I asked have you ever felt abandoned?
Felt so lost that you were stranded,
Just like all the walls are closing in
And you were left inside
Have you ever felt like your days were numbered?
Stuck under a tree in thunder
Seems to be no way out!
But there is One when in doubt
Ready for another day
Slowly watch ya waste away,
Havin' fun, bein' cool
Like we did in high school,
Elementary romance feelin' nervous at the dance,
Crack a smile hold it down,
Whatever the circumstance,
Sex, Drugs, Hadda be cool,
All the things we learned in school,
Typical teenage machines,
Anyone tell me what this means?
I could learn, I could try,
Never really had an alibi
Wish I did, that's no lie
Everybody's asking
[chorus]
Why?
When you feel like you cant fly
You gotta know I got the answer for ya baby,
Drives ya crazy, it's not over
Theres so much more to life then this
Why?
When you feel like you cant fly
You gotta know I got the answer for ya baby,
Drives ya crazy it's not over
Theres so much more to life then this
Things seem so hallucinary,
In the corners of my mind they scare me,
I know ya never meant to desert me,
Just like ya never really meant to hurt me
Then I ask have you ever felt abandoned?
Felt so lost that you were stranded,
Just like all the walls are closing in
And you were left inside
Have you ever felt like your days were numbered?
Stuck under a tree in thunder
Seems to be no way out
But there is One when in doubt
And you ask
[chorus]
So much more to life than this
besides the whole emo thing, high school was pretty awesome. 
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| Firelight hides our features, making our gestures winder, our statements bolder. I try to sip wine from a jug as the circle titters out a laugh, changes, evolves into new friends and new ideas. these ones are unsure, quick glances and low whispers. that one is lonely, shouting ideas, falling short of passion in the last syllable. We split off, teetering into the woods. Me with my jug and you with your Jack. Our eyes search the rising moon for meaning, reason. Something in the falling leaves and the rippling water is hiding secrets, concealing ideas as numbered as the stars. The half moon is the smile of the cheshire can, laughing at our man-made blunders and our inability to understand.
I should weave forget-me-nots around my head, tie strings on every finger, and carry around an elephant. Somewhere in the piles of highlighted articles, red marked homework, and flyaway-paper-binders... somewhere is a list. It's covered in coffee stains, but there are bright color-coded words to get me through the week. Scattered cups of half gone bitter teas and empty energy bottles clutter my desk, put a jitter in my nerves. I prepared for tests and papers with a backstock of 10 brands of caffein. I prepared for caffein with a list. I did not block off a chunk of brain to remember my list and my backstock. In between definitions, theories, names, and dates, I forgot to prepare.
I hate finals.
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| These secrets are not meant to be voiced to a crowd, whether understanding or disdaining. These secrets are meant to be murmured in the soft glow of christmas lights, shadows playing across the page as the author agonizes over the right word. My inner voice the only one speaking these things, my inner ear hearing them. I do not want your drums, your candles, your pot, or your couches. These secrets would dissolve in your ambiance, insignificant surrounded by your egos. There is a rhythm in the motions and sounds around me, a beat in the scratchings of my pencil. They swirl around me, creating a story I write without knowing.
... so not much has happened in my life. Bailey died yesterday, so that's incredibly sad... she was 13(ish) and had cancer, so my mom put her down. (speaking of, we have the strangest ways of saying death). On a happier note, Philippe and I just celebrated our 1st anniversary at a swanky restaurant, so that was sweet. mmmm what else. I went to Alaska again this past summer, made a lot of $$$. I probably won't go back so I can get experience for the Peace Corps instead. I'm eating sprinkles right now. They're tasty. ooh! I'm living in the Ecohouse this year, so it's like campus housing but everyone here is uber-eco friendly, it's pretty awesome. Um. yeah. That's all I can think of right now.
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| Stuffy room thick with stale air. I stare at tan lankas, legs bared, and white chicas concealing winter skin behind long skirts, leggings, jeans. We were all ready to finish before we sat down. Sunglasses on and keys in my pocket, the world is waiting. But in this white washed room full of barely disguised boredom, I feel I am waiting on the world.
These are the days I can't think in a room. I can smell the sea air coming in with the tide. I can feel the grasses tickle my toes, branches scratch my vulnerable sunburnt arms. I can see cottonball clouds and blue sky, white-capped mountains and golden fields. These are the days of flip flops and sunglasses, cool water sprinkling new freckles, bubbling laughter running into late nights. Twirling in a field, falling into open arms to stare at stars that seem to last forever. These are the days we never stop running, never run away.
p.s. tomorrow is flunk day.
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| You know what's dumb? Finals. Know what's not dumb? Going to Peru.
I'm having the hardest time concentrating on all of the shit that I need to do today and tomorrow... I really should have woken up earlier.... but instead I just keep thinking about Sunday and leaving and how this'll be my first time out of the country so I'm kinda nervous.
So that's basically what's on my mind right now. That and Alaska in the summer (I miss it, how sick is that?) the app. for the peace corps prep program, the app. to go to China and teach, my educational plan, and whether I really want to minor in neuro or not. Complicated. But in a few short weeks I'll be taking French Lit, Stereotypes and Prejudices, and Cognitive Psych. Pretty sweet.
Also, did you know that if you have a phone that takes music and a cam (or just know someone with a mac, for that matter...) then you can bluetooth music from your computer to your phone. Too bad I own a chocolate and it's too new to get through that loophole. bitches.
*So take this sinking boat and point it home, we've still got time. Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice, you make it now*
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